How Scapegoats can start taking their head out of the washing machine
Most people who read my blog and go on my website know that I am an open book. However I write my articles and posts to help and inspire others who have been in the same situation as me. I do not write posts for other people to use what they said was my past against me.
In fact I don’t see myself as vulnerable I see myself as someone who despite my background has learnt to cope better with difficult situations and avoid getting hurt in the first place.
Recently I was put in a situation where I had to stand up and tell the truth about something that was going on in a work situation. In the past I would have not spoke up and just kept quiet (see my previous blog posts). So I decided this time I should day No.
Through extensive voice dialogue work the little voice in my head that had driven the bus for the last 45 odd years or so that often got me into situations where I felt powerless and it was all my fault was getting me into the same situation all over again.
Sadly it doesn’t ever stop us getting out of situations like that and to some degree it makes us a bit more vulnerable and more likely the attract the same situations all over again. For example those who have grown up being scapegoats often unconsciously end up putting themselves in situations where they will be the scapegoat and take the blame for something they never even did in the first place. If the scapegoat reacts they end up either being the scapegoat all over again or worst will be the black sheep by walking away.
Often scapegoats will have a hard time getting people to believe them because in the past they have not had a voice.
In this particular case that happened this week was all about my word against theirs and I had no choice but to be the black sheep and walk away. Worst I felt like I had my integrity questioned because the people involved decided to look up my website and felt that I was the one that needed “monitoring”. They didn’t appear to be prepared to look at the other person and my own integrity was questioned instead.
I came away first thinking why was I being questioned, because I am not vulnerable and I don’t need monitoring, but I do need to stop putting myself in situations where I will attract people who will “test” my old belief systems.
This is one of the reasons why people who have grown up with NPD or borderline parents choose to have no contact when they grow up. They will often choose to have no contact with anyone else that displays symptoms as a way of self-preservation because they know what the end result will be.
As it says on my website “Beliefs always last and never go away ever” but you can balance them with positive ones. So how can we manage it in the future?
When they have learnt to heal, they also avoid contact with those people who exhibit such behaviours in adult life.
As a child I would often speak up and say something was happening only to be told “It was all your imagination”, “your making it all up”. Of course later it turned out that everything I had said was true. In between I would end up questioning my own sanity thinking, to myself “Had I really listened properly, perhaps I did get it wrong” and then ended up feeling my head was in a washing machine.
When it was clear to me that I was in a no win situation and that no matter how much I was going to argue my case with this person and that there would be a significant number of doubts about my integrity the safest option for me was to walk away from the situation. It wasn’t about losing or feeling like a failure it was a about self-preservation. I could have easily stayed, argued my case but then what if the same situation happened again in a few months.
For those us who have been scapegoats we often find it difficult arguing our case, even more so if we are arguing with someone who is being fed some half-truths or lies.
Sometimes in all the chaos trying to argue our own case. We come across as a little confused and I am sure for those of you have been “Miss or Mr Scapegoat” you will be reading this post thinking to yourselves yes I have been there myself.
Personally I would rather come across as being a little confused than end up feeling like I did which was questioning my own reality and feeling like I had my head in a washing machine all over again. Nowadays the moment I feel like my head is in a washing machine I removed myself from a situation immediately.
I feel like being a scapegoat is the theme of my life. It feels as if noone believes what I say especially when I am dealing with an abusive person. Sometimes I respond in ways that aren’t so polished….my assertiveness needs some work, but still an yet I wonder how can that be taken as evidence that I’m just a total liar. I’m currently having problems at a public library with a librarian. Every day I feel low in energy I get ridiculed by her (laughing), and I had finally said something about it. To me, my statements were benign but again, I’m not so assertive. Suddenly, I get accused of harrassment. She’s not trembling in fear…but laughter. LOL You would think a person in terror wouldn’t have the nerve to laugh in your face. I personally wouldn’t do that to someone I perceive to be a threat. I had to call her boss, and the response I got was equivalent to him being a juror on the Casey Anthony trial. I was told how I can’t come in an disrespect and harrass her because she is an employee there. This situation has been ongoing for two years with long dry spells. I told her boss “Funny, mmhh…I’ve never had a problem with anyone else but her”.
My gut has always told me that she is devoid of humanity. I tend to be a magnet for these types, and I tend to hone in on them fairly quickly, but not quite as quick as they pick up on me.
I get jolted by fear in situations like this, and want to not have anything else to do with people at all. For this reason, I’m mostly a loner, but not really bitter…I’ve gone through those stages in the healing process.