In my most recent blog post I talked a little about setting boundaries, something those who have grown up with narcissists struggle with since narcissists have no boundaries at all and love to step all over ours if we allow them.
We often don’t know how to say no and find the boundaries very blurred which is why so many victims of narcissists end up as co dependants, enablers or empaths. Or perhaps a better word is “dependant enablers“.
Having chosen not to be a dependant enabler to anyone who shows traits of Narcissistic personality disorder in my life, and that includes family members, I have noticed over the last couple of years how these people have not liked the new Sarah. They are used to the “old Sarah” that put up with their bad behaviour and took on the lions share of the family of the family’s guilt and shame by playing the role of the scapegoat.
A few weeks ago after being asked by someone who clearly was using me I decided to say No. They really didn’t like it one bit! I also called them up on their bad behaviour and got a nice raging projecting email from them and voicemail saying “Go F*ck yourself”. Just In case I hadn’t heard it properly they decided to leave a raging voicemail message on my phone and say it 3 times just in case I wasn’t listening.
As most people know who have dealt with narcissists the worst thing you can do is ignore them - although for your own sanity this is probably the best option but you are likely to get a reaction from them. I didn’t react and was somewhat surprised at the lengths they went to cover their own dysfunction when in desperation they decided to contact my mentor and tell them I was nuts and make up a whole load of what my mentor described as complete “codswallop” in a desperate attempt to make themselves look good.
So why would anyone do this? This was the action of a very desperate person worried that I might spill the beans on them and tell my therapist something they didn’t want revealing. What was ironic was that my mentor knows everything about me including the all the bad bits and there is nothing they could have told them about me that they didn’t already know. Most narcissists on the other hand are hardly likely to be so transparent with their therapists only telling them what they want the therapist to hear or pretending that there is nothing wrong with them in the first place.
“Scapegoats typically seek far more psychotherapy than any other family member. A Scapegoat is deeply accustomed to thinking that things would be fine if only she weren’t inherently defective and unworthy, and this often leads her to a therapist’s office. (By contrast, narcissists can be defined almost solely by their unwillingness to seek genuine therapy.) “
“Until the scapegoat is able to extricate herself from the lie that she is inherently bad, guilty and wrong, she will struggle. She will attract the wrong people, she will fail to reach her potential, and she will be her own worst enemy. The degree to which she is able to realize that she is mistreated not because she is inherently inferior, but because she is sending messages of vulnerability, is the degree to which she will determine the quality of her future. “
What was interesting was that the moment I didn’t react to their actions or abuse, although I would be lying if I didn’t say I was very upset that they would stoop so low as to project all of their own dysfunction by trying to shift the blame on me (a common tactic that a narcissist would do when they are up against the wall) Their reaction was to calmly email me a few days later and pretend like nothing had happened and ask if I could forgive them again having done this many times before..
If I had not been aware of NPD as a disorder I would have in the past literally swallowed everything up that they had said to me believing their lies thinking it was all my fault because scapegoats are as this article says:
“accustomed to accepting blame for interpersonal problems, and she has been diligently conditioned to believe that if only SHE could do better, the challenges facing relationships in which she takes part would dissolve. Despite the fact that this is an unattainable state, she has only her family patterns to use as a template for her adult relationships, and she easily tolerates partners who are emotionally irresponsible and expect her to bear too many obligations or who give her the message that any difficulties are inordinately her fault. “
And furthermore accepted their apology thinking they would change. However narcissists never change their behaviour and always go back to form.
Realising that the relationship I was in with the person was actually damaging in to me I was able to walk away from it for the first time in years without the feelings of shame and guilt that I had carried for so many years or feelings that I was a bad person for having the guts to say no.
Its taken me many years to get to this place but the catalyst for change was finding the beliefs about me that weren’t true in the first place and for everyone it will be different. In my case mine are “I am powerless, I cannot say No, it’s all my fault and I am a bad person. Through voice dialogue I learnt that none of this was true and have been on an upward journey of amazing self discovery since.
Hi Sarah
I’ve come across your work to find someone/something that I am not insane, and how could I endure 12 years denying the intuition (but really not knowing how to deal with such a horrible reality): not knowing how to uncover ‘hidden’ facts (and what was the difficulty, of having ‘confirmation’ and ‘truth’. Its all extremely multi-layered, complex & eisslws just as to ‘why’ it happens and its purpose.
Its only being a few weeks since thrown into this tough, graphic reality. Like all victims I am financially devestated, without a home and still looking to be a kind, trusting person making it, in this world for the long-term.
Interestingly, your personality and credentials have some parallel to my own in that also I have NLP, Hynpnosis, Reiki Master, and am practicing natural Eastern healing of qi-gong and the energy-healing points. I am dedicated to the long spiritual journey and work with my soul with cosmic ancestors having recently discovered much more of the sacred-divine.
Its evident I was not living with a person, but the demons portraying themselves in human essence and the Dark One’s many helpers. I can see ‘it’ has been creating my hell, blocking light within, constantly as I had to muster all my available strength, enduring sicknesses via low-astral-energy fields.
There are countless dynamics to these relationships for the demons have endless and countless tricks to manoveur.
Presently my salvation is just life itself, and the strength to move forward with it.
Thank you so much for your good work.
Kind regards,
Jane Bielski (New Zealand)
I really like this article. A year ago I had a very bad falling out with someone I realise now had NPD. The person became extremely abusive and emotionally cruel literally overnight. I refused to tolerate the mistreatment and all hell broke loose. The hardest part after the shock wore off was all the enablers. Though I had treated everyone with respect and patience I was cast as the bad guy. All these people either turned on me or just went along and allowed themselves to be used to make me feel isolated. I removed yourself from this toxic group. A year later the minute NPD tried to get back in contact with me which I rejected and wow shortly after the enablers tried to invite me to rejoin their sick circle. I’m not interested. I honestly hold these followers just as if not more accountable than the NPD. They give the psycho power to harm by allowing themselves to be used as pawns. Normal good people wouldn’t participate in such abuse. I wouldn’t which I believe is what the NPD saw n me. I was someone to conquer and when I refused to be broken I was something to be destroyed. And we’ll when that didn’t work they all return to try again.