It will always be our fault

 I’ve mentioned before on previous posts about playing the role of the scapegoat if you have grown up with narcissistic parents. But what happens when you have married a clone of your parents and then divorced them?

How does the non disordered parent bring up their children so they don’t end up feeling like that are being pulled in every direction especially when the toxic parent continues to play mind games with you and the children?

First of all if you have married a narcissist/borderline/sociopath and been lucky enough to gain custody of your children your name will be mud. You will continue to be constantly criticised for even the slightest thing going wrong with your children’s upbringing from them failing at school to them having the wrong kind of boyfriends and girlfriends when they get older. You’ll get criticised for your children going out with the wrong friends and even get criticised if they wear the wrong clothes. Nothing you do will ever be good enough and yet when your children succeed and do well at school or university they will be the first person to show them off and say how proud they are of THEIR children. The same children they probably haven’t seen for months or years at a time.

It will always be your fault whatever goes wrong and the toxic parent will never take any responsibility for their own part in the relationship dynamics. Even if your child is in therapy for anger management or self harming because they are so pissed and angry having not seen their toxic parent for months on end. It will be your fault. It wont be because they haven’t been to see them or spend any time with them. When it comes to paying for them and looking after them. If you are lucky enough to have got child maintenance you will have to grovel for any monies you get from them. When you complain that the payments are late because your bending over backwards trying to make end meet being a good parent whilst they have taken a months holiday away on their own but they will say “Well, your lucky enough to have them, so you should pay for them”. They might even offer to take the children away from you and suggest that if you don’t like the arrangements you can let them have them permanently. It will aways be very black and white.

You will constantly have to play the role of the mediator and the toxic parent will try everything they can in their power to get you sucked into making them as toxic as them. Don’t bite or  say things to your children about how disordered they are even when they are pushing all of your buttons. Let the children figure it out for themselves.Children aren’t stupid and eventually they will figure out how toxic their other parent is without you telling them.  If you try and tell them you’ll be the bad guy.

Saying things like your Father/mother is crazy wont earn your any brownie points. Besides which you can be pretty sure the toxic parent will have already been telling the children that the reason you broke up was because of you are the crazy one. They wont admit that the reason you broke up was because they were bossy and controlling or because they had affairs or fill in the blanks. It will always be your fault.

I teach voice dialogue which teaches you how to balance your negative beliefs. It’s an empowering technique that allows us to become our authentic selves and step out of toxic relationships. One of my own beliefs is that “Everything is all my fault”. Voice dialogue teaches that those voices in our head such as “Its all my fault” and “I am powerless, and I cannot say no” will never go away. And if we don’t listen to ourselves the universe will come and along and bring more and more people and situations into our lives to attract the very same that reinforce our beliefs that were never true in the first place.

If your toxic ex is making your feel it’s all your fault and you have grown up with narcissistic parents you will have had excellent training when it comes to playing the scapegoat . Children of narcissist parents will automatically assume its their fault and may often overcompensate to try to make up for the lack. This can cause problems because they may end up spoiling their children and in turn create narcissistic children starting the cycle all over again.

When you use voice dialogue it allows you to balance your belief with another more positive one. One the one hand you may feel like its your fault. You may have grown up with even even more negative thoughts such as “I am damaged goods” but then suddenly you will start to realise there’s another little voice in your head that says something along the lines of “even though my thinking is damaged, they are damaged goods” and you start to act in an adult way. You don’t get sucked into their silly games. You treat your yourself and your children with respect and boundaries. You love them but don’t spoil them rotten. You allow your children to make their own choices about their toxic parent and although it’s not perfect over time your children grow up with one healthy parent. You start to say No to your toxic ex partners demands without getting the children involved.

As you watch yourself grown in confidence so do your children. They thrive at school, there’s no more counselling and you don’t beat yourself up anymore when they do the odd thing wrong.

That little voice may never go away but it doesn’t run the show anymore. If you’d like a free Ebook on how to divorce a Toxic partner feel free to drop me an email at my website www.darksouls-thebook.com

Getting your head out of the washing machine

How Scapegoats can start taking their head out of the washing machine

Most people who read my blog and go on my website know that I am an open book. However I write my articles and posts to help and inspire others who have been in the same situation as me.  I do not write posts for other people to use what they said was my past against me.

In fact I don’t see myself as vulnerable I see myself as  someone who despite my background has learnt to cope better with difficult situations and avoid getting hurt in the first place.

Recently I was put in a situation where I had to stand up and tell the truth about something that was going on in a work situation. In the past I would have not spoke up and just kept quiet (see my previous blog posts). So I decided this time I should day No.

Through extensive voice dialogue work the little voice in my head that had driven the bus for the last 45 odd years or so that often got me into situations where I felt powerless and it was all my fault was getting me into the same situation all over again.

Sadly it doesn’t ever stop us getting out of situations like that and to some degree it makes us a bit more vulnerable and more likely the attract the same situations all over again. For example those who have grown up being scapegoats often unconsciously end up putting themselves in situations where they will be the scapegoat and take the blame for something they never even did in the first place. If the scapegoat reacts they end up either being the scapegoat all over again or worst will be the black sheep by walking away.

Often scapegoats will have a hard time getting people to believe them because in the past they have not had a voice.

In this particular case that happened this week was all about my word against theirs and I had no choice but to be the black sheep and walk away. Worst I felt like I had my integrity questioned because the people involved decided to look up my website and felt that I was the one that needed “monitoring”.  They didn’t appear to be  prepared to look at the other person and my own integrity was questioned instead.

I came away first thinking why was I being questioned, because I am not vulnerable and I don’t need monitoring, but I do need to stop putting myself in situations where I will attract people who will “test” my old belief systems.

This is one of the reasons why people who have grown up with NPD or borderline parents choose to have no contact when they grow up.  They will often choose to have no contact with anyone else that displays symptoms as a way of self-preservation because they know what the end result will be.

As it says on my website “Beliefs always last and never go away ever” but you can balance them with positive ones. So how can we manage it in the future?

When they have learnt to heal, they also avoid contact with those people who exhibit such behaviours in adult life.

As a child I would often speak up and say something was happening only to be told “It was all your imagination”, “your making it all up”. Of course later it turned out that everything I had said was true.  In between I would end up questioning my own sanity thinking, to myself “Had I really listened properly, perhaps I did get it wrong” and then ended up feeling my head was in a washing machine.

When it was clear to me that I was in a no win situation and that no matter how much I was going to argue my case with this person and that there would be a significant number of doubts about my integrity the safest option for me was to walk away from the situation. It wasn’t about losing or feeling like a failure it was a about self-preservation. I could have easily stayed, argued my case but then what if the same situation happened again in a few months.

For those us who have been scapegoats we often find it difficult arguing our case, even more so if we are arguing with someone who is being fed some half-truths or lies.

Sometimes in all the chaos trying to argue our own case. We come across as a little confused and I am sure for those of you have been “Miss or Mr Scapegoat” you will be reading this post thinking to yourselves yes I have been there myself.

Personally I would rather come across as being a little confused than end up feeling like I did which was questioning my own reality and feeling like I had my head in a washing machine all over again. Nowadays the moment I feel like my head is in a washing machine I removed myself from a situation immediately.

 

The Scapegoat

In my most recent blog post I talked a little about setting boundaries,  something those who have grown up with narcissists struggle with since narcissists have no boundaries at all and love to step all over ours if we allow them.

 

We often don’t know how to say no and find the boundaries very blurred which is why so many victims of narcissists end up as co dependants, enablers or empaths. Or perhaps a better word is “dependant enablers“.

Having chosen not to be a dependant enabler to anyone who shows traits of Narcissistic personality disorder in my life, and that includes family members, I have noticed over the last couple of years how these people have not liked the new Sarah. They are used to the “old Sarah” that put up with their bad behaviour and took on the lions share of the family of the family’s guilt and shame by playing the role of the scapegoat.

A few weeks ago after being asked by someone who clearly was using me I decided to say No. They really didn’t like it one bit!  I also called them up on their bad behaviour and got a nice raging projecting email from them and voicemail saying “Go F*ck yourself”. Just In case I hadn’t heard it properly they decided to leave a raging voicemail message on my phone and say it 3 times just in case I wasn’t listening.

As most people know who have dealt with narcissists the worst thing you can do is ignore them -  although for your own sanity this is probably the best option but you are likely to get a reaction from them. I didn’t react and was somewhat surprised at the lengths they went to cover their own dysfunction when in desperation they decided to contact my mentor and tell them I was nuts and make up a whole load of what my mentor described as complete “codswallop” in a desperate attempt to make themselves look good.

So why would anyone do this? This was the action of a very desperate person worried that I might spill the beans on them and tell my therapist something they didn’t want revealing. What was ironic was that my mentor knows everything about me including the all the bad bits and there is nothing they could have told them about me that they didn’t already know. Most narcissists on the other hand are hardly likely to be so transparent with their therapists only telling them what they want the therapist to hear or pretending that there is nothing wrong with them in the first place.

As this article says

“Scapegoats typically seek far more psychotherapy than any other family member. A Scapegoat is deeply accustomed to thinking that things would be fine if only she weren’t inherently defective and unworthy, and this often leads her to a therapist’s office. (By contrast, narcissists can be defined almost solely by their unwillingness to seek genuine therapy.) “

“Until the scapegoat is able to extricate herself from the lie that she is inherently bad, guilty and wrong, she will struggle. She will attract the wrong people, she will fail to reach her potential, and she will be her own worst enemy. The degree to which she is able to realize that she is mistreated not because she is inherently inferior, but because she is sending messages of vulnerability, is the degree to which she will determine the quality of her future. “

What was interesting was that the moment I didn’t react to their actions or abuse, although I would be lying if I didn’t say I was very upset that they would stoop so low as to project all of their own dysfunction by trying to shift the blame on me (a common tactic that a narcissist would do when they are up against the wall) Their reaction was to calmly email me a few days later and pretend like nothing had happened and ask if I could forgive them again having done this many times before..

If I had not been aware of NPD as a disorder I would have in the past literally swallowed everything up that they had said to me believing their lies thinking it was all my fault because scapegoats are as this article says:

“accustomed to accepting blame for interpersonal problems, and she has been diligently conditioned to believe that if only SHE could do better, the challenges facing relationships in which she takes part would dissolve. Despite the fact that this is an unattainable state, she has only her family patterns to use as a template for her adult relationships, and she easily tolerates partners who are emotionally irresponsible and expect her to bear too many obligations or who give her the message that any difficulties are inordinately her fault. “

And furthermore accepted their apology thinking they would change. However narcissists never change their behaviour and always go back to form.

Realising that the relationship I was in with the person was actually damaging in to me I was able to walk away from it for the first time in years without the feelings of shame and guilt that I had carried for so many years or feelings that I was a bad person for having the guts to say no.

Its taken me many years to get to this place but the catalyst for change was finding the beliefs about me that weren’t true in the first place and for everyone it will be different. In my case mine are “I am powerless, I cannot say No, it’s all my fault and I am a bad person. Through voice dialogue I learnt that none of this was true and have been on an upward journey of amazing self discovery since.

Firing on all Cylinders

I recently came across a test to see whether or not my chakras are in balance. As I regularly mediate and occasionally teach tantra with a background training of Chinese acupuncture I was interested to see which of my own chakras needed attention.

 

Its been a very interesting ascension process for me over the past couple of years what with all the unresolved emotional blocks I have needed to deal with. Most of the time I am generally happy but occasionally I am aware that I am not always being true to myself. According to this test I am firing on all cylinders apart from my Throat Chakra and my Heart Chakra which are still a bit weak.

 

So lets talk about how it might manifest. The throat chakra  is STRONG when you are good at voicing out your thoughts, ideas and emotions to those around you. You’re admired for your willpower and strong communication skills, and your conviction to speak the truth, even if it may be uncomfortable to some. In some ways I am very good at this but occasionally I slip up !

 

The children and I had been spent much of the summer last year preparing a very difficult allotment plot (it was our first one) only to find that we were constantly battling bindweed and marestail which ended up strangling all our our plants along with slugs eating what was left of all of our hard work LOL We couldn’t have been given a more overgrown plot to be honest but not one to give up a fight I kept plodding on.

 

I have had boundary issues in the past and not had the voice to speak up and one of the neighbouring plot owners was extremely passive aggressive. Eventually it got to the point where I didn’t really want to go anymore. In the past I would have just walked away, and not said anything but decided to find my voice and speak to the allotment association.

 

 

The other day I was delighted when I finally got a call from the allotment manager to say I he had decided to give me a brilliant new allotment plot. Not only was it in a new spot closer to the water tanks, (no more lugging buckets of water for miles!) but it wasn’t next to the passive aggressive woman. Best of all it hardly needs any work doing on it and is ready to plant!

 

I had already paid him the money and his words were “when you pay me the money I’ll give you the key to the shed” Yes it has a shed as well! I replied in a very quiet voice. ” So does that mean I still owe you because I have already paid”.  Part of me didn’t want to speak up because I was I was so happy I had got a new plot which was a miracle in itself I was concerned he would changed his mind so I agreed to go round and give him the money I had already paid again.  It wasn’t a big amount but imagine if it has been a large amount of money and I had not been able to say NO.

 

This was my pattern in the past. When I got there he was all smiles and said “you have already paid me” I replied “yes I said earlier I had paid you but thought perhaps I still needed to pay more” he said “no we are all quits” and gave me the key.  What I noticed from this experience was that I needed to pay attention to my ability to speak up and make my voice heard. I realised I am getting there slowly but still need to learn how to speak up and not be afraid to be heard.

 

With regards to being weak in my heart chakra. You know your Heart Chakra is STRONG when you enjoy comfortable, loving and empathic relationships at home, at work and in your community. You get along with your family. Your friends see you as a reliable person. At work, you’re known as the one people can talk to. You feel a heartfelt sense of gratitude for how wonderful your life is, and feel compassion for all around you.

 

However in my case I still have some weakness. Why because its over a year now since I wrote and finished Dark Souls and despite the fact that I have wonder relationships with my friends, family and colleagues and there is still a small part of me that keeps myself “on guard” in case I get hurt by someone. I tried dating a few months ago and was surprised to find I was still attracting few disordered men so I decided I needed to do a bit more work on myself before I ventured back into the dating game.  On a positive note I can not spot a disordered person within minutes so its anly a matter of time before someone nice comes along.

 

In the meantime I am happy to say that being able to fire on all the other other cylinders keeps me happy healthy and strong without the need to fill myself up with the desire to have a relationship with a man because I am happy in myself.

 

Many people however not only have weak energy systems but they are closed off completely. This can cause all kinds of problems such as health issues and other problems in every day life.

 

For those of you who would like to start learning about how you can improve your own energy and wellbeing. You can find out more and take the test here

 

http://www.chakrahealing.com/

Going quantum and creating your desires using the law of attraction

Going quantum and creating your desires

Having sidetracked a little from my spiritual path for the last couple of years with a few interesting little wake up calls I have been very calm and focussed recently. I decided to take some time out to focus on what I really wanted in my life this year rather than focussing on all that I have left behind me. It got me thinking about the new year and how I used to write myself little letters when I was a child. Everyone goes on about the film “the Secret”. A couple of years ago I remember a friend of mine telling me “you must watch this film” and I got all excited but as I sat and watched the secret he was surprised after when I said I have been doing that stuff all my life.

What people do not realise is we manifest all the time, including all the bad stuff we create attract towards us for whatever reason.  People love it when they manifest all the good stuff but they don’t want to take responsibility for all the bad things they have manifested in their life. They put all the blame on others wanting to change them when often times we are unable to change them at all.

Some things we have control over manifesting and some things we do not.

When I was a child and things weren’t so good I used to write myself little letters to cheer myself up. I would write them as if they were in the future. As I grew up I continued to write myself manifestation letters. I would write them along the lines of Dear xxxxx although now as I grow up I write them to dear higher self or universe depending on my mood.

Recently I started painting again after many years and have started being more in touch with my feminine intuitive side. The part I had ignored and that as a result had got me into a bit of trouble of the last couple of years. I started off painting a few different Goddess types one of which I called Goddess Quantaminity based on my own ideas about wealth. All the Goddesses I paint include an invocation.

Within the first week I had gone quantum in terms of earning income compared to the last two years! So I had to kick myself and go back to my roots reminding myself of all the things I knew that worked with the law of attraction. Its been a couple of years since I last wrote myself a letter.

What was amazing was that I would forget about these letters. I would stick them to the back of the cupboard and then a couple of years later when I was having a clean up I would read them back and miraculously I would find that the majority of the things I had written down had come true.
A few years ago I wrote one which included getting my dyslexic son into one of the best schools in the country and manifesting my daughter back who was living in an unhappy relationship with her boyfriend.

If you would like to write yourself a manifestation letter then I would suggest you grab a pen or paper or if you are like me just let the words flow in front of the pc.

Firstly write down what you would like in bullet point style. Then write down the reasons why you would like it. This helps you to step into the energy better. Be as creative as you can be. Then trust that its going to happen. One thing I cannot emphasis enough is that you end the letter on saying how thankful you are for all the things that had happened. I used to always address mine. Dear all and thank everyone that I was friends with for all their help and support of the last couple of years. Interestingly enough most of the people are still friends.

The more creative you are and the more less attached to the outcome the more likely it is to happen. Its like the whole Taoist philosophy about trusting the flow. Make sure you really step into the energy of feeling that you actually have it right now even if you don’t.

Anyway that’s enough rambling.

Come on ! Grab a pen and Write your letter.

Visualise yourself chucking your wishes out to the universe and all the things on it manifesting and then forget about it.

And see what happens when you pull it out of the cupboard a few months later.  You will amaze yourself.

If you are feeling lonely and don’t have a partner write yourself a love letter and see how much more attractive and loving you feel as a result.Or if your feeling depressed and sad write yourself a letter to cheer yourself up. It’s amazing how different you can feel just by writing alone.
You see it’s all about perspective and changing your thoughts.

One word of warning, make sure you are specific about what you want in the letter. For example if you are wanting a man make sure you are specific including things like honest, kind, loving and so on otherwise the universe with give you exactly what you ask for. When I forget my roots and wrote my wishes for a man a few years ago I got it, but without all the other things I desired. I had focussed on wanting a boyfriend and thought about marriage. I got exactly that a man with the emotional age of a boy who was married to someone else LOL

Whilst writing your letter write it as if it has ALREADY happened. You can include anything you want a relationships, a goal or anything. Put a future date. Say Xmas 2011. Make sure you write that you DESERVE it and that you are grateful to the universe for letting you have it. Obviously don’t be greedy because the universe knows better than you but at the same time step outside of your comfort zone and stop thinking that you deserve just ENOUGH than you already have.

Let the universe do its work . Put the letter in a safe place and don’t think about it and wait for your wishes to go Quantum.

If you would like to find out more about Goddess Quantamminity and more of my pictures go here

Beware of fluffy bunnies with teeth!

With 2012 around the corner and the world in so much chaos I was prompted to write the following blog post after receiving a message from one of my Facebook friends. Yes there are a lot of nutters around that are clearly expressing who they are but there are also a lot of “nice” people out there pretending to be something they are not!

The woman in question had befriended a man on Facebook who was claiming to be a “monk”. He has a large following on there and yet despite the lovely disguise his intentions are from “monkly”. (Assuming that’s a word) . He aspires to some kind of saint by posting up “Love and Light” posts in various different languages about how he loves everyone including those sinners like drug takers and so on. Yet if you read through the lines of his posts, most of them are about massaging his self inflated ego.

After my friend got a friends request from him she responded by saying “I am wary of accepting new friends as there are lots of predators out there’. He responded with: ‘I am a predator…a predator of hearts, hang around and you’ll see what I’m all about”

I call these light workers who are in disguise fluffy bunnies or more dangerous fluffy bunnies with teeth.

Having worked as a spiritual coach for a number of years. By that I mean I add a spiritual element to my work. I have had a run in with a few of these types of people and avoid them like the plague. One such woman whom I was silly enough to go for a session with myself a couple of years back before I finally woke up and got it charged me a ton of money I could ill afford and claimed she was some kind of Guru, much like Mr Monk was. In fact her website said she was so good people flocked from all over the world to see her. I got completely sucked in by her story only to do a nice little review for her on the session I had done, which she later completely twisted around a week later and used on all her websites and mailings.

At the time I was completely destitute and was at a point where I had nothing much else to lost. She told me I could pay her extortionate fees by paying monthly and that I would get the most amazing results. So amazing that the posted them all over her website and mailing list by saying how I had in ”one session“ I had made enough money to cover not only the cost of her extortionately prices session but had managed to sell off my house and also get myself another house in the process, using her amazing techniques” All of which was complete and utter rubbish. I already had my house for sale when I had gone to see her and I was left with nothing after the sale and a pile of debts. In all honesty I hadn’t really shifted much at all and had to go and do a lot of other therapy after.

What’s interesting is these spiritual type gurus like the Mr Monks and the Mrs Amazing coaches whom most people will have never heard off if they actually do a bit of research on the them and use their noddle using google and so on are in fact actually predators. They are no different from the same predators that go around victimising people such as the dark soul, sociopath or psychopaths, I talk about in my book. Which is why when highly sensitive people who are extremely vulnerable go and see these dangerous fluffy bunny healers for treatment or healing they are so supportive of those who are disordered and feed the victims with a load of rubbish stories like “It was all divine destiny”, “the relationship was meant to happen” blah blah blah. Why because they are normally as toxic as the people themselves.

For example when I wrote Dark Souls I had a few interesting comments on Amazon from people saying the book was rubbish and trying to find as many things as they could to pick it to pieces. This where these people really start to show their teeth.

Mrs Amazing on the other hand thought she was so amazing she actually tried to sell one of her sessions to my disordered ex in the hope she could fleece even more money off him. She thought she could actually cure a psychopath.

When it comes to showing her teeth she also told me that if I didn’t pay her back the karmic police would be after me! Knowing of course I would do everything I could to pay her back at whatever cost, even though her session hadn’t worked.

Using scare tactics like this a way of creating fear amongst people.

There is an old adage. When something looks too good to be true it normally is. So next time you’re looking for some help from a well-meaning spiritual worker or guru or “monk”. Look behind the “nice” disguise and check if these lovely bunnies have any teeth. Use your noddle and do a bit of research. Chances are they are just some narcissist idiot sitting behind the safety of a their computer screen on Facebook with grandiose fantasies of being someone special with a fan base that keeps up their energy levels by feeding off the energy of victims.

Worst they could be someone like Mrs Amazing was to use clever NLP techniques on people to steal your money. Worst still they could be someone out to steal your soul.

Be warned because like Mr Monk says “ I am a predator…a predator of hearts, hang around and you’ll see what I’m all about”

If in the meantime you would like a non fluffy approach to coaching please visit my website www.butterflyeffecthealing.com

Feng Shui of the Soul

Feng Shui of the Soul

1 year on from my abusive Dark Soul

I thought I would put up this post as its coming up for Xmas and the holidays. It’s now nearly 1 year on since I finally kicked out my psychopathic ex. The year has been interesting. Its had its good moments and a few bad ones. Financially its been very draining, I am aware that this will continue for many more years especially as the recession has finally taken its toll on everyone.

I am left with a high amount of debt from the aftermath along with a property that is in negative equity. The other property I own is worth far less that I paid 5 years ago and if I were to puts all my assets and debts together I would still end up owing money. I have spend the whole year battling in my mind whether I should be going bankrupt or trusting that eventually things will turn out for the best and eventually the house market will pick up and I’ll be in a position to pay everyone off. I would feel like a complete failure if I were go bankrupt so I have always tried to remain on the positive side, On the days when I occasionally feel down I remind myself of the time many years ago during the Margaret Thatcher recession when I did lose my house along with millions of other people and say to myself what is the worst that could happen. I could end up in a rented house just like I did back then. Was I depressed and unhappy, did my world collapse. NO.

Most days I spend in between working I.e. coaching clients and writing for the two main websites I do www.darksouls-thebook.com and a brand new website www.waking-you-up.com which is all about educating people and empowering victims to learn about psychopaths so that they can move away from a relationship of inevitable harm.

My inspiration comes from the many emails I now receive daily and other women I coach that have in my opinion had it worst than me. Sometimes you have to look outside of yourself and be grateful for small mercies and just be happy that you are Psychopath free.

Talking of which it hasn’t been entirely easy to get rid of my ex. I had a spate a few months ago where they were constantly calling at my home from a withheld number but all in all that is nothing in the whole scheme of things. Some people have to move states or counties to get away from their abusive partners because they are so dangerous and violent. Some have children with them and have to remain in contact with them for the sake of their children for the rest of their lives.

When I am not working or spending time with my children or spending time with friends and family (and yes I am guilty of working a bit hard for my own good), I have come to a point in my life which I never had before where I am in a constant state of gratitude. The more I am in this place the more amazed I am and the way things just transpire. As I mentioned in an earlier post on the law of attraction, that talked about pushing a boulder up a hill and going against the flow. The more you push against things the less likely good things will come into your life.

The other thing I do regularly despite being on a limited is budget is spoil myself regularly. Its something I never experience properly in a relationship with a psychopath unless they were doing something to get their own needs met. It could be something as small as buying myself a nice bunch of flowers or making sure I have a nice relaxing bath every day or taking time out with my dog for a nice walk in the country. Despite all the stress most days I tend to be stress free and even when those obstacles that come along for everyone in daily life I can manage them more easily because my stress levels are so much less since taking the steps to leave such a toxic relationship.

I also try not to be so hard on myself as I have in the past. Nowadays I try to remind myself of what I have achieved over the year rather what I have lost. For example being able to write a book in six months and get it on Amazon as a self publisher. Being able to manage my busy life in between the every day stresses of healing from a psychopath.

Now I just try to go with the flow. Only the other day I was thinking wouldn’t it be fantastic if I could get a website together that would help thousands of people in abusive relationships learn about psychopaths. In the past I have always thought I had to do everything myself and then suddenly I let go and an inbox of help arrived within a few days from people all around the world all wanting to offer their services. Hence the new website www.waking-you-up.com

Even when it comes to paying bills when I do my calculations and see how much I actually have to pay out every month most people would just want to put their head in the sand and get depressed but every month somehow the universe seems to provide me enough money to support myself and my children and a little more.

This year hasn’t been without its challenges and there have been many but on a positive not I am happy and I also feel more empowered that I have in many years with a growing awareness that things can only get better and better. I now have hope. I am also heartened by the fact that so many readers of my book have been helped by my experience and that maybe in my journey I have helped save a few other people from losing their sanity as well.

My belief is that letting go is almost like a financially, spiritual and emotional feng shui of the soul when it comes to letting go of a psychopath. So many victims of psychopaths have said the same thing. They may even be penniless but the peace of mind and sanity that comes with knowing that you are Psychopath free is priceless.

So as this Xmas and the holidays approach knowing that last year I spent my Christmas in an emergency ward after having a massive post operative bleed after a the operation I had went disastrously wrong which resulted in my own children having to make Christmas dinner and my new year was spend knowing that my ex was somewhere else, probably with another woman and that I was about to ask him to leave on new years day. I spend this holiday 2011 having a Xmas with my family knowing that I will never have another Xmas again with a psychopath and that thought alone puts me in a place of the most deepest sense of calm gratitude and happiness.

I wish everyone a fantastic 2012 despite the bleak future that the newspapers portray and although I am not a fantasist my hope for the following year is that more awareness is created about these people so that more people will be writing blogs filled with hope like I have today in 2012.

Dark Soul – The Book

Well its the beginning of August and I finally did it. After two years of a lot of soul seraching and six months writing I finished my book Dark Souls.

Its been an interesting journey to say the least and one which in hindsite I would have preferred not to have taken. However I have and now I have to make the best of what it taught me. My book explores the dark realms of narcissism, psychopathy, narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy and those people like myself who have been unfortunate enough to have been in relationship with them.

If you would like to read more about it please go to my new website www.darksouls-thebook.com

Healing and Recovering From Toxic Relationships

Below is a short excerpt:

“I have always been passionate about spiritual energy and the universe and, in my naivety, I wrongly assumed that everyone was good. Of course now I realise that is not true; it was just a fairy tale I wanted to believe in. I was trying to think of the perfect name for these people and I called up a friend of mine, Dr. Michael Millett. He uses hypnosis and EFT, and has a Masters Degree in Metaphysical Science (M. MSC) with the University of Metaphysics, Sedona, Arizona, USA. We were discussing the concept of how psychopathic people such as sociopaths and narcissists had the need to feed off their victims, a bit like energy vampires, and somehow got to talking about quantum singularities, known more commonly as black holes. No one really knows exactly what a black hole is, although it’s clear that a black hole sucks everything in; not even light can escape it, which is why it appears black and invisible. Scientists believe that a black hole occurs when a massive star, much larger than our sun, runs out of fuel. The remaining mass of the star collapses in on itself, causing an enormous vacuum that draws everything around it, including light, into itself.
This is exactly how sociopaths appear to us. Their real personalities are invisible to everyone else around them and they spend their lives sucking people in drawing in the light and positive qualities of their victims’ personalities, money, or whatever they can get from them. Once you are in a relationship with them it’s extremely difficult to get out. Anything or anyone that is sucked in will be eventually depleted until there is nothing left. Once you have been sucked dry emotionally, spiritually, and financially, it’s almost impossible to leave, whilst they, on the other hand (especially if they are narcissistic), thrive on your light or energy. Perhaps they will be enjoying all the money they have sponged from you. Of course, the minute they have run out of supply, they will move on to the next victim because, like the black hole, they constantly need input to survive.”

“A black hole conjures up the image of a bottomless void that relentlessly feeds on light. If you think about people and energy, although we all exchange energy amongst ourselves, both sociopaths and narcissists tend to be energy vampires, i.e. only consuming. In the case of a sociopath, I would describe them from an energy point of view, as consciously and intentionally stealing your energy for themselves, be it for fun or out of vindictiveness. The narcissists’ reality is so distorted and dark they may not even realise that they are doing anything wrong, and their inner darkness is temporarily made brighter by those people that feed their false egos.
I pondered on the concept that actually there is some debate as to whether psychopaths have a soul at all. In the book, The Mask of Sanity, Hervey Cleckley speculates that what is really wrong with these people is that perhaps they lack a soul. Whereas Adolf Guggenbuhl-Craig, author of Emptied Soul, implies that psychopaths are just lost souls. Eileen Rawson who works as a space clearer and healer suggested that these people have a “walk-in” soul that takes over their bodies. Sam Vaknin suggests in the forward that the narcissistic psychopath has no soul at all.
As the debate goes on, I therefore decided to give Oliver and other predators a lesson title and nicknamed him a Dark Soul. I have also used the same term as a general label for predators and disordered personalities who abuse victims. Why? Because they are all very similar and it implies that they might have a soul but that it is a soul that is tainted and perhaps somewhat damaged and that a big chunk of it is missing.”

Dark Souls

Its been a long time since I blogged, more than a year in fact. I have been busy writing and finalising my book “Dark Souls”. It should be available from my new website www.darksouls-thebook.com at the beginning of September.

I will be posting lots more in the coming months but to give my blog readers a clue as to what type of a person a “Dark Soul” is I thought it appropriate to put up this very old story.

You’ve no doubt read the old fable about the scorpion and the frog. It illustrates how man’s nature is much more devious and controlling than is his logic.

The fable says how, “One day a scorpion arrived at the bank of a river he wanted to cross, but there was no bridge. He asked a frog that was sitting nearby if he would take him across the river on his back. The frog refused and said, ‘I will not, because you will sting me.’

“The scorpion replied, ‘It would be foolish for me to sting you because then we would both drown.’

“The frog saw the logic in the scorpion’s words, and agreed to carry the scorpion across. But when they were halfway across the river the scorpion stung the frog. The stunned frog asked, ‘Why did you sting me? Now we will both die!’

“The scorpion replied, ‘Because I’m a scorpion … and that’s what scorpions do.’”

All will be revealed soon……

Start  Journelling

One of the greatest ways to start being more in touch with youself and become more consciously aware is to start journelling.

A very good friend and colleague of mine Melinda Sorrenson has just produced a brilliant workbook which enables you to start living a more Integrated Life.

Its a step by step book where you can journal your ideas and thoughts and connect to your higher self.

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